


My World Will Change for Me

by visionshadows



Series: Her Journey Bright and Pure [33]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender reassignment surgery, Physical Changes, Transgender, Transgender relationship, Transitioning, mtf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-01
Updated: 2014-05-01
Packaged: 2018-01-21 13:54:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1552826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/visionshadows/pseuds/visionshadows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” </p>
<p>― Maya Angelou</p>
            </blockquote>





	My World Will Change for Me

Geno woke up early, the hospital room still dark and quiet. Sidney wasn’t in bed next to him and he looked over at the window. She was looking outside at a snowy Montreal, the curtain pushed back as the sun started to tint the sky with shades of orange. 

He pulled himself to his feet, shuffling over and wrapping an arm around her waist. He brushed her long hair to the side and pressed a kiss to her neck. “Okay?”

“Nervous,” Sidney admitted. She covered his hand with one of her own and leaned back into him. “I kept waking up.”

“Should have woke me. Would have stayed up with you.”

“One of us should sleep and I’m going to be the one given anesthesia soon.”

“You ready?” asked Geno, feeling the way she tensed as she spoke. “Can still change mind.”

“I’m nervous, but I’m not going to change my mind.” She turned in Geno’s arms to face him, the curtains closing to hide the slowly rising sun. “I was more nervous the day I gave the interview about being female then I am now.”

Geno cupped her cheek, smiling softly. “Did great that day. Will do great today.”

Sidney let out a shuddery exhale before leaning into him, her head on his shoulder. Geno pulled her close, humming softly. He felt her relax, the tension leaving her body and he began to sway slowly. She followed him, reminiscent of the mornings they would dance in the kitchen. 

There was a knock at the door and it opened, the harsh light from the hallway spilling in. The morning nurse gave Geno a smile before shutting the door. 

“How are we this morning, Ms. Crosby?” She asked warmly. “I’m Marie and I will be getting you ready for your procedure today.”

Sidney pulled away and gave Geno a brave smile. “I’m hungry.”

Marie chuckled softly. “I know, but nothing until later. I must take your vitals and then you must shower.”

Sidney nodded, grabbing Geno’s hand tightly before going back over to the bed. She held out her arm to the nurse and sat down. Marie worked quickly and when she was done, she squeezed Sidney’s hand firmly. 

“Everything will be fine. Dr. Roy is the best.”

“I know,” Sidney said softly. “All of my surgeries have been done either by him or by Dr. Jonquiel."

“We very happy with them.” Geno added in. “How long she have for shower?”

“Thirty minutes,” Marie said, tapping some notes onto Sidney’s chart. “Wash with the soap provided and put on the hospital gown in the bathroom, please.”

Sidney pressed her lips together tightly, squeezing Geno’s hand even harder. “Can … am I allowed to wear makeup?”

Marie’s expression softened and she smiled at her. “Of course. Whatever you need to feel more comfortable. I would suggest using lip balm or a lip gloss instead of a lipstick. We don’t want to smear it accidentally.”

“Thank you,” Sidney said fervently. 

Geno brought her hand up to kiss her knuckles gently, seeing Marie’s gaze follow briefly, her eyes softening even more. She reached out to touch Sidney’s shoulder gently.

“You will do fine, Ms. Crosby,” Marie smiled warmly. “So much depends on your support system and you seem to have a good one.” 

Sidney looked over at Geno, smiling. “I do.”

Marie looked at the clock briefly. “Half an hour and I’ll be back.”

Sidney nodded, waiting until the door was shut to slump backwards onto the bed. “Okay now I’m terrified.”

Geno laughed a little and lay next to her, propped up on his elbow. “Could tell. You not correct name like usual.”

“It does still say Crosby on my chart,” Sidney sighed, rolling to face him as well. “We should take the picture before I shower.”

Geno nodded, leaning in to kiss her softly, his tongue dipping in briefly as she pushed into the kiss. “By door?”

“Yeah,” Sidney said, getting out of bed. She ran her hands through her hair a few times, getting some of the more impressive tangles under control before she stripped out of her pajamas and underwear, leaving them on the bed.

Geno got out the phone and turned the lights on. Sidney stood at the door, arms at her sides, completely naked. There were a series of photos already, hidden in a folder on her computer. The first was right before she started hormone treatments and they went in order up until now, the changes in her body from hormones and surgery catalogued for her own comfort. 

Geno looked at her for a long time as she fussed, shifting her weight. He loved seeing her naked. Sidney finally rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips. “Stop staring and take the picture. I promise you’ll see it again.”

“Not your penis,” Geno couldn’t help but laugh and Sidney started to as well. 

“Okay well not that,” Sidney acknowledged, smiling now. 

Geno took a few photos, happy that she looked relaxed now. “Now turn around.”

Sidney put her hands back on her hips, scowling. “There’s no reason for me to turn around.”

“Maybe I just want to look at your ass,” Geno said, grinning. He put the camera down and walked over to her, leaning in to kiss her scowl. “Okay if I say goodbye?”

Sidney laughed but gestured with her hand at her crotch. Geno squatted down to look at her dick. He patted it lightly. “Nice to know you. Had some good times, but best you go now. Make Sidney happier.”

Sidney looked down at him smiling softly. “You’re ridiculous.”

Geno got back to his feet, shrugging easily. “Is why you love me.”

“Part of it,” Sidney admitted, leaning in to kiss him again. “Be out in a few minutes.”

“Go shower,” Geno said, smacking her ass lightly. She gave him the finger, shutting the bathroom door behind her. Geno let out a sigh and his shoulders slumped. He was nervous as hell and would be for the next however many hours it was until she woke up again. 

It scared him every single time she had surgery. The risks were low for all of the other surgeries, but this one, while routinely performed by her doctors, carried a lot more risk. They had gone over the procedure multiple times with Dr. Roy over the last few years. They both knew the risks, but Sidney felt incomplete without the bottom surgery. The timing was right. Geno was finally retired and they didn’t have any pressing duties back in Pittsburgh for another few months. 

Geno sat on the bed and fiddled with his phone before sending Taylor a message that it was almost go time. She replied back almost immediately, telling him that it would be okay and she could still make it up there to keep him company while he waited. It wasn’t that long a flight from Boston.

Geno smiled at the phone, knowing she would drop everything and fly up to sit with him in the waiting room all day if he asked. His parents would have as well. But Sidney had asked that it just be him until they went back home. This surgery was too intimate for her to handle anyone else. 

He texted her back to tell her no, but he would call, before setting his phone down. He looked over at the makeup that was on the dresser and began to organize it by color. There wasn’t really enough to take much time, but he couldn’t just sit there. 

Sidney came out of the bathroom with a hospital gown on, drying her hair. “Nervous?”

Geno turned to look at her sheepishly. “Yes.”

“I’ll be okay,” Sidney promised him, taking both of Geno’s hands in her own. “You’ll see me in a few hours in the recovery room.”

Geno nodded, squeezing firmly. “Still worry.”

Sidney smiled a little sadly. “I’m sorry I make you worry.”

“No,” Geno shook his head. “No apologizing. Would rather worry then see you miserable.”

“That’s another reason I love you,” Sidney said quietly. “Will you do my makeup and hair?”

Geno smiled, brushing her wet hair back from her face. “Always.”

Geno hummed softly as he did Sidney’s makeup, keeping it light. He brushed blush over her cheekbones and bridge of her nose, leaning in to kiss her softly. There was a knock on the door and Marie came back in with a wheelchair. 

“Sorry to interrupt,” Marie said, closing the door. “But it is time to move to the operating suite.”

Geno nodded. “Let me finish. Only take a moment.”

Marie waited patiently as he finished Sidney’s makeup, handing her a tinted lip balm to put on. Geno made quick work of her hair, brushing it straight before braiding it with quick, practiced fingers. 

Geno rested his hand against the side of her neck. “You ready.”

“Thank you,” Sidney said before taking off her wedding ring and handing it to Geno for safe-keeping. “I want that back when I wake up.”

“First thing,” Geno promised. He turned to look at Marie. “I come too?”

“You can walk with us,” Marie said. “But you can’t come in. That is where the waiting room is so if you want to bring anything with you, I can get you set up there.”

Geno grabbed a few things and shoved them in his bag, slinging it over his shoulder as Sidney got into the wheelchair. He took her hand as they left the room, Marie pushing her down the hall. 

Dr. Roy was waiting for them outside of the operating suite, smiling warmly. “Sidney, Evgeni. It’s lovely to see the both of you.”

Geno shook his hand firmly before Dr. Roy leaned down to press a kiss to Sidney’s cheek. Sidney pressed a kiss back, still clutching Geno’s hand with a death grip. 

“Are we all ready for today?” asked Dr. Roy, sitting down on one of the chairs and gesturing for Geno to do the same. “Any last questions?”

Sidney shook her head. “We’re pretty well prepared.”

“I will take wonderful care of you,” Dr. Roy promised before looking over at Geno. “And I will return her to you soon enough. There are no other patients or families around as requested. My staff is here to assist you in anything you need while Sidney is in surgery.”

Geno nodded mutely. He stared at Sidney for a long moment before transferring her hand to Dr. Roy’s. He pressed his lips together tightly, squeezing his hands against the chair. 

“C’mere,” Sidney said softly, reaching out with her free hand to pull him close. “I love you and I will see you in a few hours. Now kiss me.”

Geno nodded again, leaning in to kiss her, closing his eyes and trying not to cry. She pulled back, her eyes bright with unshed tears. 

“Love you, Solnyshka,” Geno murmured in Russian. 

Sidney turned to look at him as she was pushed away, Dr. Roy still holding her hand. Geno collapsed back into the chair, pressing his hands over his face as he cried silently. 

 

The surgery went longer than it was supposed to go and Geno was very close to panicking by the time Dr. Roy came back out, looking tired, his eyes pinched. Geno stood up immediately. 

“Sit,” Dr. Roy gestured, moving to sit next to him. “We’re all finished. It took a little longer because of some complications. Sidney is fine now. She lost a lot of blood, but we got the bleeding under control and her volume is back up to normal.”

Geno swallowed thickly. “How bad?”

Dr. Roy sighed. “Had we not gotten the bleeding under control when we did, it would have been life-threatening.”

“Oh,” Geno paled, sitting back heavily in the chair. 

Dr. Roy grabbed Geno’s hand, squeezing tightly. “She is fine. She will be a little weaker because of the blood loss, but her recovery should go smoothly. The procedure itself ended with a very good result.”

“I see her? Please.”

Dr. Roy nodded, patting Geno’s shoulder. “She is not awake yet, but you can come sit with her. It will be best if she sees your face when she wakes. I think she’s fonder of yours than mine.”

Geno managed a shaky smile at that, grabbing his bag to follow Dr. Roy down the hall to the recovery room. 

“She’s very pale,” Dr. Roy cautioned. “And she’s still hooked to an IV and has the nasal canula in. These are all normal after surgery.”

Geno nodded wordlessly, just wanted to see Sidney desperately. Dr. Roy handed him a gown to put on and Geno struggled to get into it, his hands shaking and the flimsy material getting caught around his jeans. 

“Evgeni, I need you to calm down,” Dr. Roy said calmly, straightening the gown. “I know you are worried and scared for her. Even if she is not awake, she will know that you are worked up.”

Geno exhaled slowly, nodding. He pressed his eyes shut for a moment, breathing deeply to try and calm himself down. Dr. Roy had given him this speech before, every time he went into the recovery room to see Sidney. He would be happy when the surgeries were finally completed. 

“Good.” 

Geno opened his eyes and gave him the same shaky smile as before. “I am ready.”

“The results should make Sidney happy. We’ll have to check the depth in a few days, but I believe it to be close to 16 centimeters, possibly a little more.” 

“Should be good,” Geno said absently, seeing Sidney’s bed. He moved past Dr. Roy to go over to her. She was still sleeping, her skin chalk-white. Geno sat in the chair next to her bed, taking her hand in his own and pressing a kiss to her cold knuckles. “She cold.”

Dr. Roy handed him another blanket and Geno settled it over Sidney’s body carefully. He touched her face, sliding his thumb over the wrinkle between her brows. Her eyes were twitching under her eyelids and he knew it wouldn’t be long before she woke now. 

Geno spoke softly, nonsense really, telling her about his day. It wasn’t an exciting day, mostly him wandering around the clinic when he couldn’t sit still any longer and going to the cafe across the street for lunch and tea. He was just getting to the part where a little dog decided he was her new best friend when Sidney let out a soft moan. 

Geno brought his hand up to her face, stroking his thumb along her cheekbone gently. “Solnyshka, you awake?”

Sidney licked her lips, turning her head towards him, but her eyes were still closed. Geno leaned over and kissed her lightly. 

“Just rest,” he murmured. “Everything go well. Surgery all over. I’ll be here when you wake.”

Sidney seemed to settle at that, her face relaxing. Geno went back to telling her about his day, the nurse coming over to check Sidney’s IV and stats without interrupting. He paused to watch for a moment, looking at the numbers. 

“Blood pressure is low,” Geno remarked. 

“It is,” the nurse agreed. “It will come back up soon enough.”

“What is your name?” asked Geno. 

“Amie. And you’re Mr. Malkin,” she said, holding out a hand. Geno shook it briefly. 

“Call me Geno. She is Sidney,” Geno said, smiling down at Sidney.

“Do you need anything?” asked Amie.

“No. I’ve been here before,” said Geno. “This one of many surgeries.”

Amie patted his shoulder lightly. “It can be a long process to become yourself. She is luckier than most.”

Geno tilted his head slightly. “How?”

“Well, she has money for one,” Amie said softly. “And she has your support. I am not unfamiliar with who she is outside the clinic. Trust me when I say she is luckier than others.”

“We try to help. Give money, support. She want to do more.”

Amie gave him a smile again. “If anyone can make a difference, she will.”

Sidney moaned softly again, her fingers tightening around Geno’s hand. Geno’s attention immediately snapped back to her, his free hand brushing over her forehead. 

“Sidney,” Geno murmured. “Open eyes for me.”

Sidney’s eyelids fluttered and opened briefly before squeezing shut again. She licked her lips, sighing heavily. “Thirsty.”

“I will be right back with ice chips,” Amie said before heading off. 

Geno brushed his fingers over her forehead gently, soothingly. “Hi, beautiful.”

Sidney grimaced and opened her eyes slightly to look up at him. She couldn’t focus and her gaze was glassy. She shifted on the bed, moving her free hand down her body, patting heavily. 

Geno grabbed her hand carefully before she could hit herself in the groin. “Careful. Not want to hurt yourself.”

“Gone?” asked Sidney, her voice creaky. Amie pressed a cup of ice chips in Geno’s hand. 

“Gone,” Geno confirmed, slipping an ice chip into Sidney’s mouth. He ran another over her lips, moistening them for her. 

She relaxed into the bed and seemed to settle at that, sucking on the ice chip with her eyes half-shut again. Geno pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth, settling back in to wait for them to be moved back into her room. 

 

Sidney shifted on the bed uncomfortably, the tape holding the catheter to her inner thigh pulling again. She sighed and stretched her legs back out. Geno looked up from the book he was reading, his eyebrows raised in a silent question. 

“I hate sitting still,” Sidney said, a slight whine in her voice. “I want to get up and walk again.”

Geno looked at the clock. “Dr. Roy be here in a few minutes.”

Sidney flopped backwards, looking up at the ceiling. “This is worse than waiting to see my breasts.”

Geno chuckled and closed his book, setting it aside to climb in bed next to her. She immediately moved to rest her head against Geno’s shoulder. “Going to look weird at first.”

“I know,” Sidney murmured. “I just want to touch it, to see that I really have a vagina and not a penis.”

Geno pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Soon. You wait this long. Can wait few more minutes.”

Sidney made a whining noise and pressed her face into Geno’s neck. Geno ran a hand through her hair, scratching comfortingly at her scalp. Her hair was messy and tangled, greasy despite dry shampoo. She couldn’t shower until they took the packing and catheter out. 

Sidney’s phone buzzed and she reached for it, looking at the picture Taylor had sent her of Nina waving and holding her stuffed bunny. Sidney smiled softly and tilted the picture to show Geno. 

“Miss her,” Geno said with a sigh. “Need to get to Boston.”

“Or they need to come home for a bit,” Sidney replied, texting Taylor back a shot of her and Geno. “Hopefully they can get back for Thanksgiving.”

“Hockey season busy for both of them,” Geno reminded her. “We old now. No hockey to schedule day around.”

“It’s weird,” Sidney confessed. “Until this season at least you were still playing.”

“We still very busy,” Geno reminded her. 

There was a soft knock on the door and Dr. Roy poked his head in. “Good morning.” He came in, wearing a lab coat with Amie following him. “How are we today?”

“Restless,” Sidney said immediately. “I want to get up and move.”

“I can help with that,” Dr. Roy said easily. “Your latest bloodwork is looking good. I’m comfortable removing the surface sutures and catheter.”

“So I can see?” asked Sidney softly. 

“That’s the plan.” Dr. Roy pulled on a pair of gloves while Amie pulled the stirrups up on the bed. Sidney looked at them a little oddly before blushing. “You can either put on a gown or just remove the pajama bottoms. It is up to you.”

“Bottoms,” Sidney said, shifting a little on the bed as Geno helped her take them off. Amie immediately draped a sheet over her lap and helped her get her feet in the stirrups. 

“Geno,” Dr. Roy said as he sat at the bottom of Sidney’s bed. “After I remove the sutures, I want you to come down here so I can explain to both of you how to care for Sidney’s vagina.”

Geno nodded, taking Sidney's hand in his own. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and let her squeeze tightly as Dr. Roy removed the catheter. She exhaled slowly, wrinkling her nose. 

"I hate that, Sidney murmured, hiding her face against her free arm. 

"I am just going to use a slightly numbing agent to remove the stitches." 

"Just do it," Sidney said, her voice tight. "Pain is not an issue here."

Geno pressed a thumb to the furrow in her brow. "Look at me. So close to being done."

"Look first," Sidney said softly. She winced as Dr. Roy removed the stitches, her breathing shallow and her fingers tightening around Geno’s, the knuckles white. “I don’t want to look until you do.”

“Deep breath,” Dr. Roy said calmly, resting a hand on Sidney’s knee. “I’m going to remove the packing.”

Sidney squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep, shuddering breath. She did her best not to squirm away from the feeling, but it was hard. She gasped when the feeling stopped and Dr. Roy touched her knee again. 

“Breathe slowly,” Dr. Roy said to her, stripping off his gloves and standing up to move out of the way as Amie cleaned up. He rested a hand on Sidney’s wrist, smiling warmly at her. “You did great. Amie is just going to clean you up a little and then we can have a look. Are you feeling any pain?”

Sidney opened her eyes and looked over at Geno, unclenching her now stiff fingers. “There’s an ache. Not really pain though. Feels like an overused muscle.”

Dr. Roy nodded. “There’s a lot of residual bruising and swelling from the surgery itself. That’s going to ache. As long as you’re not feeling sharp pains or burning, I am not worried.”

Amie finished, giving Dr. Roy a nod. He sat back down on the stool. “You want Geno to look first, correct?”

Sidney nodded, still holding onto Geno’s hand as he moved. Geno pressed a kiss to her knuckles as he looked between her legs. 

“Oh,” Geno said quietly. Amie grabbed his free hand with hers and slid a glove on. “I can touch?”

Sidney squeezed her eyes shut again as Dr. Roy explained to Geno what he was looking at. Sidney could feel the light brushes of Geno’s fingers against her skin, but the area he was touching didn’t have much sensation. 

“Solnyshka,” Geno said, squeezing her hand firmly. Sidney blinked her eyes open, looking at Geno’s worried expression. “Still with me?”

Sidney nodded. “Is it okay?”

Geno smiled warmly at her and Sidney felt something uncoil in her chest. “Yes. Ready to see?”

Sidney swallowed thickly, nodding a little. “Just come back up here with me.”

Amie slid gloves onto Sidney’s hands, helping her move them under the sheet. Sidney touched before she looked in the mirror, her fingers tracing folds.

“Here,” Dr. Roy took one of her hands, guiding it to her vaginal opening. Sidney looked in the mirror finally, looking at her hands and Dr. Roy’s before really looking at her new body. 

For all the anticipation that had built up, Sidney felt an almost sickening feeling of surprise. Logically she knew that she was going to have a vagina after the surgery, that when she looked at herself, she wasn’t going to have a penis any longer. But seeing it was a shock. 

She pulled her hands away quickly and shut her eyes, turning her face away from Geno. He didn’t do anything except take the gloves off her hands and pull the left back towards him, pressing a kiss to her knuckles. 

“It can be a normal reaction,” Dr. Roy said quietly, speaking to Geno. “It’s a major change.”

“Yes,” Geno nodded. “Pam talk with us. I take care.”

“Should I go ahead and explain to you what needs to be done?” asked Dr. Roy. “I can wait until Sidney wants to listen. Amie can perform the necessary dilations today.”

“No. I learn. I do,” Geno said firmly. “No more medical staff unless needed.”

“After today you’ll move to the recovery house,” Dr. Roy said to him, his voice calm. “And we will only do a daily check-up if that is what Sidney wants.”

“Good,” Geno pressed another kiss to Sidney’s knuckles. “Show.”

Sidney didn’t listen as Dr. Roy started to explain, instead humming to herself in her head and resolutely not thinking about what was going on beneath the sheet. Geno never let go of her hand, never let her forget that he was right there with her every step of the way, just like he had been the whole time.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the end. 
> 
> So let me start off by thanking each and every person who read this fic, clicked the kudos button, took a minute to write a comment, rec'd it to someone else, and thought about this Sidney after they closed the fic page. She's been fascinating and wonderful and heartbreakingly real to me. It's been almost a year since I wrote 'About a Boy' which was supposed to be a one-shot that got trans!Sidney out of my head. Instead she moved in and has been at the edges of my thoughts ever since. I don't think a day goes by that I don't imagine Sidney and Geno in this world. 
> 
> This is also an undeniable ode to my love of Evgeni Malkin. The story was about Sidney, but it was held together by Geno. 
> 
> I spent a lot of time and did a lot of research in order to (hopefully) not write an offensive story. If I have done that at any point, I am sorry. I have never once intended to romanticize the transgender experience even while writing a romance. 
> 
> Thank you to Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, and Taylor Crosby for existing so I could create these characters. 
> 
> And most importantly, thank you to dine. She's been my rock from the start, a constant cheerleader, and subjected repeatedly to me messaging her and asking her to just look at this one part over and over again. 
> 
> There will be two separate postings of the entire story in one file - one chronological and one in posting order. Give me a little time to make them up.


End file.
